He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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