I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
