My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
