The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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