woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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