If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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