You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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