yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
