she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
