I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
