Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
