I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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