If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
