Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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