Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
