Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
