I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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