Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
