Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
be right there i have to get my cape
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
