recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
