All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
