and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
