I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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