I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
