so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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