i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
A+ Viking dick
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