i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
