Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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