Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Randomize
