Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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