Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
