you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
