i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
