I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
