hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
