Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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