Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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