Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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