It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
