I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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