she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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