Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
