So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
