yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
