No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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