I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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