I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
