grandma shit on top of the toilet
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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