Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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