The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
