he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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